Lonely.

You know that feeling of being rejected?

That is how I feel everyday.

My good friend, Says he doesn't just call people "friends"

Not like I do.

I call everyone and anyone a "friend"

Even if they insult me, If they stab me in the back.

If they ditch me, if they make plans to hang out without me, right in front of me.

If they hurt me, if they just don't like what I like.

I still do.

Even if I met them online.

 

I don't even get why I call everyone a friend.

All they do is reject me.

I started planning an event, for some friends of mine, almost a month ahead of the date.

Now this event is on Sunday, and I only have  one or two people showing up.

I want to cry, since I had thought everyone who was commenting on it was coming, they had all said they would.

But, they didn't.

I already knew that my best friend couldn't come, due to it being on a Sunday.

This happens on my birthday too, every year, even though I always invite the same group at the same time.

Most of them make plans.

People go out of their way to avoid me.

I just want some real "friends"

Some real people to want to hang out somewhere with ME.

Is that too much to ask for?

I know I am being whiny, and annoying, you have no reason to read this.

You should just stop coming here anyways.

Don't read, not if you don't want to.

Leave me, everyone else does.

I am probably this way because of my childhood.

Yup.

No one ever paid attention to me in dance, I had no real friends there.

My dad doesn't like me.

and most of my life my mom has been to busy with my sister to pay attention to me.

Also calling your daughter worthless is a big help, really dad.

Avoiding her too, that helped a ton dad.

I want to curl up in a small ball and cry.

I don't know how to stop hoping though.

Stop thinking "Someone must love me, right?"

Stop whining

Stop whining

Stop whining.

Nobody likes whiners.

I should stop writing, but it is my only way to vent.

I hate burdening people with my problems.

Probably the reason I don't say all of this in real life.

Goodbye for now.

~MewMew{Savannah}

Divorce.

My Parents are getting divorced.

Then End.

I wish you'd notice me.

I tend to get ditched/left behind/forgotten.

a lot of the time.

I mean I watched some "friends" make plans to go to dinner in front of me, then walk off, I was about a foot away from one of them, hoping to talk to her.

I had some "friends" make plans to hang out(without me) for the weekend.

On my facebook wall.

I got left behind a lot at camp.

I have been ditched.

I have had "friends" invite me over, then invite other friends over, and tell me to go home.

So on the rare occasion that someone remembers me, and acts like I am a person,

They end up living in another state, or don't have time for me to see them.

My own family does it.

and example from last night.

Mom:"Mackenzie, what do you want for dinner?"

Mackenzie:"Something light, I'm not very hungry."

Mom calls dad.

Mom:"What would you like?"(she is on the phone to dad)

Mom:"okay" walks back inside the house, not even bothering to look at me.

This is why I constantly wonder why I am even here.

I have no propose.

MewMewSensei(Savannah)

I need to vent again -.-

You know how I've said how unfair my parents are?

Well, today I brought up the fact that my cell phone won't hold a charge for more than a few hours,the same phone my mom handed down to me because she thought I didn't need a brand new phone.

Well, everyone in this freaking house gets a BRAND NEW PHONE, besides me, I'm the only one who DIDN'T get to pick out the phone I wanted, no I have to have whichever one my mom no longer wants, so she could get a new HTC Hero.

Now all that stuff with phones happened last year, I've had my LG Lotus for a year, my mom had had it for a year, so it is two years old now.

Well, you cannot put apps or music on the LG Lotus, the browser barely works, it cannot read SD cards, so the pictures I took will probably never make it to a computer.

It took me about three months to beg my parents to let me have a cell phone again.

In late October, my sister asked for a cell phone, my parents said she could, no begging or anything, it took a few weeks to ship, it came here around my birthday.

For my birthday I had asked for an iPod touch 4th gen, 32GB, I said if I could have one or the money to buy one, then I'd have a small party. 

My party ended up costing about $278, I had some friends over for a sleep over, but the one girl my age that I knew, couldn't come because of some testing thing four hours away.

We planned the party a month after my birthday so everyone invited could come.

I got a necklace I had planned on buying and some Hershy Kisses.

I ended up buying the iPod touch I wanted with the money I had been saving for over a year and some help from my dad.

Through out the party, I sat alone while all the other girls, who are my sisters age, had a blast, nobody even seemed to realize it was MY party and that I had been left out.

But, I've already blogged about that.

Back to the phone thing, 

My mom said she was thinking about getting a new phone, there really isn't a reason for it.

But I was talking to my dad, mom wasn't there, he snapped at me that the phone wasn't really free, and that'd I'd have to come up with the money myself to pay the bill for it, if I really wanted it.

He snaps at me a lot, but nobody really cares, do they?

Computers are also an issue, I'm saving for a Toshiba Satellite I want, nobody cares.

But my desktop's screen died, dad isn't going to go out and buy me a new one, it's already been four weeks, even if he does, he is only looking at used ones, my desktop is a handy down too, I got it two years ago along with my tablet, it doesn't have much memory.

I'm using my dad's laptop, actually, it used to be mine.

It was one of the few nice things they actually bought for ME, but then it got hit with a virus, dad didn't bother fixing it until around the time I got my desktop, then he said it was he's and I wasn't allowed on it.

But since my desktop isn't usable at the moment, he said I could use it.

The only NEW things that I have that nobody else has had before me, are my iPod Touch and Tablet, things that I wanted, but I had to buy my iPod, and my tablet was on sale.

My sister gets everything, betcha if she asked for a new $700 laptop dad would go out and buy it for her.

The laptop I want is only $590...

and I'd even get it on sale, I just want something that WASN'T someone else's for once.

~MewMewSensei

It's kinda unfair.

Sorry, this is another rant.

Mom and Dad, I must say, It is kind of unfair.

It is kind of unfair you jump to her needs and wants.

While you make me wait for everything, is it because she is younger?

Probably.

Is it because you want on her good side.

Probably.

Every year around her birthday, which is in the summer, you give her huge birthday parties, usually a pool or BBQ thing, where you invite everyone.

And you buy her everything on her list.

While every year around my birthday, which is in fall/winter, we seem to run low on money, even though you it's been like this since summer.

Every year for the last six years, I have had small sleepover parties, you only allow me to invite 4, maybe 6 people.

Every year I do this happily, because I think it's fun and you said if I have small parties, that I could get something big, I really only want some art supplies and SAI or the money to buy some stuff. and so far most of my parties have been fun,but you got me a necklace and earring set that I wanted and a bag of kisses, and most of my friends are 2 or more years younger.

Her age.

So she gets to take over the party, because they 'bond' better,

while I hang out with the one or two girls my age that I know.

Last year I waited a month to have my birthday party because a friend said we could have it in her giant basement, I agreed because we have no space in our house.

This year no one my age could come, and I sat on the sofa with you, and watched tv while the rest of the girls sat and played together.

You didn't care, you just sat there and watched HGTV with me.

I like hanging out with you, but you never notice that I have almost no real life friends my age, I'm scared to talk to these twelve year old girls about /anything/ because their parents might not like it.

The one girl my age that use to live across the street never liked to talk with me or was too busy for me, and I was scared to say anything anyways, I didn't want to offend her or have her little sisters walk in and hear about something that their parents don't want them to know.

And now I'm sitting here on dad's laptop because my screen died, and the excuse for not getting a new one is, we don't have any money,

He can't say that, because he goes out and buys things for his projects and things she wants.

The second her computer got a virus dad was on top of it, but for the last couple of months I've said, Something is wrong with my screen, can you see what it is?

Not now, because nobody has time for me anymore.

I always have to wait, while she gets whatever it is she wants at the moment.

She asks mom to get her candy or some sort of snack for City Market, mom jumps on it.

I ask for something and the answer is always, we don't have enough money or just plain no.

She wants a hamster or more chickens or chicken-like pets.

Okay! but only two, but she convinces dad to get four.

I say I only want a papillon puppy.

No.

I want to be an exchange student in New Zealand in 2013, mom barely listens, I haven't even talked to dad about it, because she is there, and she will bash the idea.

She gets a whole metal rack in the shower for her freaking rubber ducks, and I can't put my razor on it or hang my poof thingie.

I have to find something that will hold my two things that doesn't fall apart.

She gets the dresser and half the closet to put her cloths and stuff in.

I get two drawers and part of the closet.

She gets new craft stuff whenever she needs it.

I would like some better inking pens and nice copic or faber castel markers.

But no, because drawing manga isn't something you like, while her crafts take over most of 'our' desk.

You never even look at my artwork, if you did, you might just see how depressed I am.

You don't treat me like you treat her.

You let her get by with insulting me, bashing everything I like or do.

But if I try to get back at her, you yell at me, because I hurt your 'baby.'

I am the one who sits and listens to you, and I try my best to comfort you, to make you feel better, and I like helping.

But you won't do the same for me.

My friends that I have never met in real life listen and help.

But of course trying to meet them won't happen until after I move out.

I can't go hang out with friends from manga class, you said I couldn't go to Wasabicon with them this year because you don't trust them.

Or me.

Anything I want to do, like clogging or volleyball or DI, if I sign up and go, She has to come too.

This is why all my friends are her age, because I have to be with her.

All the time, I can't go places because she wants to stay at the house and you don't want us to be alone here.

But if I want to stay, but she wants to go, well, I have to go anyways.

I want to hang out at the library, well, she doesn't so, no.

I want to hang out at the skate park or mall or something.

No.

I can't go see my friends without her coming too.

But if she doesn't want me there, well, I can't come.

All she does is talk about chickens and farmville.

This is why I said she can't come to manga class anymore, because she embarrasses me, then if I say or do anything, she tattles.

You say if someone starts something, to come and get you.

You yell at me when I come and get you, because it's late and you don't want to get all stressed out before going to bed.

She does it at night because she knows this.

You will never get it.

I just want the attention to be on me for once, she gets everything she wants.

I am shy and can't get up the nerve to say this to you.

I told you I have I blog, two blogs actually, I was hoping you'd go to find it, because you use to say not to make one, I wasn't going to nicely give you the URL for it either, just so you'd think there was bad things on it.

So you'd bother to read it.

So you might see what I feel like.

What it feels like to be left out of everything.

I was hoping you would go through my iPod and see what kind of music I listen too.

Because you use to be so over protective of everything.

I want you to see that the music I listen to is depressing.

That I have crushes.

That I feel like she is treated like a princess.

That she does hurt me.

When I first started talking on forums because nobody in my life would talk to me.

That I talk about WHILS and dA because, maybe you would say something back.

I wanted to help with mom's horses and training them, but I didn't know how, and I was scared of the bigger ones for a while.

You don't know how much fun I had when I got to hang out with Fredi and her friends at the football game.

They didn't seem to care that I am home schooled or that it was the first time I met them, the included me in the photos they took and they let me talk to them.

But I probably can't go again, because you don't like to see if I can hang out on Saturdays with them, you would rather use me as free help, I don't mind it, it is fun going places with you, I beg to go with you to Grand Junction and places, because I might get to talk to you about stuff, but again, I am scared to try, I'm scared you will get mad at me for asking about something.

But sometimes I'd rather hang out with my friends, like when Fredi had the fundraiser dance thing, I really wanted to go, but you forgot about it.

There have been other things like this, but you forget or don't want to drive me.

It is always the same.

I have already taken up your time, if you've read this, sorry for that.

I might make a part two.

~Savannah.